Message Minute (Boundaries, Not Control)

"Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." — James 1:20

We can't command feelings. Telling a child "stop crying" or "stop being angry" doesn't work—it just makes both of you more upset. Instead, we need to direct them to where they can express those emotions appropriately.

There's an important difference between assertive anger (which we encourage) and disrespect (which we discourage). Assertive anger says, "I feel strongly about this" while maintaining dignity for both parties. Disrespect says, "You don't matter" or "My feelings trump everything." When your child says, "I'm really upset we can't go to the park today," that's healthy. When they shout, "You're the worst parent ever!" that's disrespect.

Anyone can power up and frighten a child into compliance through intimidation. You might win the battle in the moment, but what's really happening? Your child isn't learning emotional regulation—they're learning fear.

When we train children to make decisions based on our emotions ("Do it or I'll get mad"), we're setting them up to make decisions based on other people's emotions when they face peer pressure. Instead, let's guide them to own their problems and think through consequences themselves.

Reflection Question: Am I helping my child learn to regulate their emotions, or am I simply trying to control their behavior through my reactions?

Prayer: God, help me set appropriate boundaries without controlling my child's emotions. Show me how to guide without intimidating, to teach without manipulating. Grant me wisdom to help them learn self-regulation. Amen.